flawed & living still.

some things I'm working on + how I've been feeling as fall commences in Chicago

1. my body has caught up to my brain and I am finding myself in clinics for all the lucky people in Chicago without health insurance. it is always a good time when doctors run tests and can’t provide a legitimate answer for what’s happening in my body. but I know what’s happening. we’re playing catch up.

2. my youngest brother and I are cool now. we’ve had an interesting relationship where he’s used me for my money in exchange for hugs. we’re on the same page now though. he leans his head on my shoulder when I’m sitting at my desk, and asks what I’m doing. inquires about the movie night we have planned, recounts all the snacks like he’s doing an inventory check, and asks me to please buy him a Hershey’s chocolate bar too, no manipulation and free hugs included.

3. I have grown tired of trying. I’ve noticed a pattern where I am made out to be the problem, meaning I am also the person that is responsible for the fixing. and I can feel myself not trying, I really am not in control of everything around me. love is not enough. it’s okay and I am learning to breathe autumn air in the absence and presence of it. voids take time to fill but this space is what I need to fill it.

4. my friends and I call each other often. I am growing to be more honest about the flawed person I am. we laugh about it but it feels good to be accepted. it feels good to admit the mistakes that I’ve made. it’s good to know that my friends are choosing to love me still. it feels good to be chosen.

5. I think I am struggling with forming deep connections with other people at the moment. I wanted something like my life depended on it and I lost it. I am going through something that will break me before I will build from it. and I’m growing to be selective about the people I am spending time around. I think it is a good thing, I know this too will pass.

6. the kalaam project, my baby, is growing into its toddler ages. I have a lot of pride in the work we do, but I do think we need to work on more outreach. more collaborations, more putting ourselves out in the community. this morning I had a conversation with an amazing journalist, and hearing myself talk about kalaam reminded me of how far we’ve come. how many people we’ve been able to reach. I hope Allah continues to guide us on his straight path. alhamdulilah.

7. a couple days ago, I was having a hard day and I opened up to my dad about how I’ve been feeling. he’s getting really good at consoling me, it comes with practice. I think we need to remind ourselves of that, we need to show the people we love how we want them to love us.

8. i’ve been helping my mom sell Afghan dresses she handmade in her time in Afghanistan. we set up a shop on Etsy together and it’s a small project I hope she can find purpose in. you may have noticed me talking about it on Substack Notes, it’d mean the world if you supported. the dresses take days to make, and she’s hand embroidered the designs herself.