make all the mistakes

the reality of being alive in a world up in flames always

living in a world always up in flames, I light a candle and say a quick prayer. the walls within these rooms close in sometimes, I am not claustrophobic. the walls can close and I will be here always, alive. crawling out, crawling through. 

there is beauty in being indifferent to what life strikes you with, I like to believe it is an art form. self-deprecating often, if you care enough, but, I am alive. I am alive, why not take it? why not take the chance? my biggest fear is living in regret. so I make all the mistakes, all round and wide and vast, shamelessly. my failures paint my pictures in color. the television screen blinks and shudders, but at least it unwinds. at least I unwind. but I refuse to live in the playbacks, the past. please refuse to live in the playbacks. the person you are today should not be the person you were yesterday. the person you are tomorrow should not be the person you are today. 

the mistakes we embrace should be reoccurring until we learn, as we learn. until we finally learn how to travel with a handheld map drawn out on paper, and a compass. what direction are you going? are you northbound? southbound? I think I am always traveling to home. I find it here and there, as I blink through life. under the covers when the birds begin chirping outside my window, for a split second in silence when I watch my mom move about the kitchen, elbow deep in soap suds at the sink. stacks of porcelain plates riddled in her love. when my father rummages through the sock drawer early at sunrise. when the grogginess makes me feel full, in gratitude. 

that in my slumber, my father’s hands are the palms that I can rest my head on. that in my sadness, giggles can still escape. that the soles of my feet remain ticklish even through the callouses. that when the walls start to close in again, I can take the bus to a sandier shore. a warmer end to a land and a section in my life. dipping my toes in the lake’s water, remembering we are from the earth, we are from god. And to Him we will return. to home, we will return.

in my slumber, I hope to remember to be grateful in the tiredness. to be tired is to have too many reasons to be alive, to stay alive, to love. I am trying to love more. I am trying to love the person in the mirror more. the pores and the unevenness in my smile. in acceptance that it is my parents first time living too. that my mother is a little girl, my father is still a young boy. that my siblings will remain my children always when we are old and grey too. I hope we get to grow old and grey too. 

I wonder how many times the world will turn, how long I can stay on this axis for, how many people I will get to love, how much love will I get to hold. we are hungry things, us humans, the world is yours for the taking, yours for the sharing. I hope the trees only grow taller, only greener. I hope the wrinkles etch themselves onto our skin, I hope we grow less afraid to age, more afraid to live less. I hope the sun sits on my stomach, on my bare bones, I hope to become the person I am looking for. I hope to learn I am the person I am looking for.