ooofff. ay ay ay, where to even begin speaking about this. so hauntingly beautiful. it leaves so so many questions in the reader's mind. the parent-child tension is palpable. there's all sorts of tension in the poem, actually. the empty jar and the emptiness of the scene. only a couch, a prayer mat, a jar, and a crib. and the beads.
the reader wonder why this is the case. where is the father, the grandparents, the rest of the people that make and pillow around a family.
why does the child (you) not speak. the feelings and pleas of wanting to be the miracle, the solution to your mother's grief )at least what i interpreted as grief) is very deeply relatable to anyone who has seen their parent suffer for whatever reason.
the 24 and 41 again parallel is really intriguing too. things have changed and things are still the same, but perhaps in a different way. hard to tell. but now the miracle is known, or felt at least. God is here, He is near. in the room. before empty, and the jar still empty, but now the room is filled with His presence.
you have pennies now, and you can whisper too it seems, and the couch hears, no longer asking why you won't speak.
I love love love the lines "I hope Allah is proud of me. I hope He loves me." Part of me does wonder if there was some reason behind the capitalization of "Allah" only at the end. All previous mentions are without capitalization. it creates some sort of movement that's for sure.
and the last line is just. damn. "I hope He shows her how to." ooff. the parent-child tension again. the longing to be loved (at least more than what's being experienced now, loved wholly, with fewer conditions (again just my interpretation)).
seriously beautiful poem. and sad, and hopeful, and some other flavors that i dont have the active vocab to describe.
i hate to end on a critique, but since the poem is so amazing, i'll mention this:
"I leave the pennies
somewhere she can find it, I
swept the dust off the coin jar."
in this line, i think it makes more sense to say "i sweep the dust" since earlier you say "i leave the pennies." the mismatched tenses disrupt the flow and make the timing of actions confusing to the reader, if that makes sense. my 2 cents, hope it helps!
this is the most thoughtful feedback and analysis i’ve ever received. you are spot on, thank you for reading so carefully. the capitalization of Allah swt signifies how significant He is now in my life in contrast to before when I wasn’t aware of the miracle. I agree with your edits, I will make those as well. thank you so much for this.
your writing is insanely beautiful and this piece in particular made me feel so many emotions im crying
this means so much to me, this was hard to write, harder to put out. thank you so much
it seriously is, isn't it? maddd skills. Allahumma baarik.
...the couch hears my whispers', wah
ooofff. ay ay ay, where to even begin speaking about this. so hauntingly beautiful. it leaves so so many questions in the reader's mind. the parent-child tension is palpable. there's all sorts of tension in the poem, actually. the empty jar and the emptiness of the scene. only a couch, a prayer mat, a jar, and a crib. and the beads.
the reader wonder why this is the case. where is the father, the grandparents, the rest of the people that make and pillow around a family.
why does the child (you) not speak. the feelings and pleas of wanting to be the miracle, the solution to your mother's grief )at least what i interpreted as grief) is very deeply relatable to anyone who has seen their parent suffer for whatever reason.
the 24 and 41 again parallel is really intriguing too. things have changed and things are still the same, but perhaps in a different way. hard to tell. but now the miracle is known, or felt at least. God is here, He is near. in the room. before empty, and the jar still empty, but now the room is filled with His presence.
you have pennies now, and you can whisper too it seems, and the couch hears, no longer asking why you won't speak.
I love love love the lines "I hope Allah is proud of me. I hope He loves me." Part of me does wonder if there was some reason behind the capitalization of "Allah" only at the end. All previous mentions are without capitalization. it creates some sort of movement that's for sure.
and the last line is just. damn. "I hope He shows her how to." ooff. the parent-child tension again. the longing to be loved (at least more than what's being experienced now, loved wholly, with fewer conditions (again just my interpretation)).
seriously beautiful poem. and sad, and hopeful, and some other flavors that i dont have the active vocab to describe.
i hate to end on a critique, but since the poem is so amazing, i'll mention this:
"I leave the pennies
somewhere she can find it, I
swept the dust off the coin jar."
in this line, i think it makes more sense to say "i sweep the dust" since earlier you say "i leave the pennies." the mismatched tenses disrupt the flow and make the timing of actions confusing to the reader, if that makes sense. my 2 cents, hope it helps!
thank you for sharing.
this is the most thoughtful feedback and analysis i’ve ever received. you are spot on, thank you for reading so carefully. the capitalization of Allah swt signifies how significant He is now in my life in contrast to before when I wasn’t aware of the miracle. I agree with your edits, I will make those as well. thank you so much for this.
Ooh, i like that! Subtle, but impactful, the capitalization. You're welcome 😁 great work deserves to be read well!
Ooh. This is just heartbreakingly beautiful.
thank you for reading spencer :) I genuinely appreciate it
ahhh thank you so much for reading emily!