i’m wearing my brown gymshark sweats, a kendrick lamar long sleeved shirt, my dad’s black zip up hoodie, and my mom’s brown running shoes. I left my shoes outside, and much to my dismay, they were soaked in Chicago’s morning snow. before I left my house, I quickly curled my lashes and put aquaphor on them. if there is any so called beauty secret I have, it is that. i’ll smear milk’s berry blush with my fingers when I want to look alive, and my elf berry lip balm lives in my right coat pocket, a must because if there is one thing my lips won’t do, it’s stay moisturized. i’ve realized I enjoy my days more when I know I don’t need to wash my makeup off when I get home. and makeup is starting to feel more like a “when I go out to a function in the evenings” sort of thing anyway.
adulting is starting to feel a bit low effort on the makeup end. there was a time where I wore makeup everyday, not necessarily because I wanted to, mostly because I felt like I had to. the thought of anyone seeing me without it horrified me. I’m the oldest I’ve ever been, and being more gentle with my skin is starting to feel like another form of love. i’m still loved by people, the way that I look is not equated to how much people care for me, despite what today’s beauty standards tell you. I feel insane admitting that I once felt as though there was a correlation between the two, but I think some of us do feel that way deep down.
i’m feeling pretty proud of myself for leaving my house today, if I do say so myself. I say that like someone who doesn’t leave the house often. but I haven’t left the house, not really, for the last week and a half. the flu, getting fired from a day job I had no business working, and my horrid cough have left me bedroom-bound. i’m currently sitting at my all time favorite coffeeshop, drinking a vanilla bean latte I probably won’t finish. bought with my cashapp budget card that I customized.
okay, so the elephant in the room is something I feel as though I should address. not because i’m this influential person that feels the need to hop on an app and say things like, “guys, we broke up,” insert most serious expression ever. but mostly because, I am embarrassed. and I need to write about this to understand my embarrassment.
so why was I fired? and how did this happen? the truth is that your guess is as good as mine. I got the flu, I called off sick. then I called off sick again because well, you know, I still had the flu. then, HR called me and said they were letting me go. I have my own theories as to why it happened. insert the “incident” a week and a half ago, when I prayed maghrib in my cubicle and the Human Director of Operations made an interesting comment about it. but alas, the truth is, I spent much of December trying to pray all five prayers on time. sometimes, I think the closer I try to get to Islam, the more obstacles I begin to face. trying to be more muslim is not something the average corporation likes to see. the HR trainings that are mandated for employees to undergo is utter bullshit. this is my second post grad corporate experience. i’m not really sure how other muslims are excelling in these environments.
in all honesty though, I didn’t actually need the job. I sort of just upped my savings goal for the year of 2026, and I started thinking more about how I’d like to eventually buy a home, contribute more to my family, and take my parents and grandparents to Hajj.
the real underlying issue though, is that I don’t handle rejection well. I like doing a good job at anything I do, and rejection has never bode well with me. but alas, make dua to be guided closer to Allah and for the removal of anything that isn’t on the straight path, and watch everything in your life crumble like DOMINOS. alhamdullah for it all though. if hardship is needed to be favored, then i’ll learn to breathe through it.
in better news though, my team has officially begun building earthquake resistant homes in Kunar, Afghanistan. I can finally breathe, planning and plotting around the sanctions for the last 4 months has made it difficult to deliver aid to my people, but we did it. and we’re doing it. alhamdulilah.
i’m thinking a lot about the village i’d like to be a part of. the village i’d like to mold with my hands. growing up, I was relatively isolated but still present in communities I was a part of in chicago. I think a lot about how the characters in my favorite fiction novels were my friends. I think a lot about my grandpa being my first ever best friend, then this really cool Assyrian girl in the 5th grade. between my books, my grandpa, and Karol, I felt very content with my community. this year, i’m hoping to cultivate more meaningful friendships in 2026. I just bought a beanbag for my room and hope to invite more people over to my home. running the diaspora writing club in chicago has been such a gift, and bringing people together once a month at nabala cafe to try my mother’s afghan food has also been such a blessing. giving a piece of afghanistan to chicagoans is a labor of love.
I guess I just want to see more of the world in 2026, I want to see more people. how can I engage in loving people if I’m not being the villager I say I want to be? how can I expand my capacity to love more if i’m not OUTSIDE LOVING MORE? so here’s to more hangs, here’s to putting myself in more rooms I initially wanna kill myself in, to hopefully loving myself in. here’s to doing more research and talking to more villagers, more farmers, more people in Afghanistan that the west continues to vilify, to deliver on sustainable projects that’ll help them long term. here’s to the year i’ll let myself pour more of my heart out in poetry. here’s to the year where I learn that my sense of self is not tied to a job to make the rich richer, but instead, tied to my faith.
Everyone I know (and including myself) that increased their iman and began to practice more strictly had something in their life go sideways almost immediately. It means that your heart is in the right place and Allah is testing your resilience. When not missing any salah was just a thought in your head it didn’t matter but now your thoughts are becoming deeds.
May Allah recognize your efforts as pure and make it easy for you and all of us 🤲
Thank you for sharing this. I have been having a similar journey with faith. It is not the same because being Muslim is a very different embodied experience than a Hindu savarna turned Buddhist. But you reminded me of what it takes to get closer to my Buddhahood and the hard work of letting things go that pose obstacles to that path. I wish you so much protection in your path!